Let me tell you of the biggest thing in my life right now.
At the start of this year, I knew He was with me. I had grown so much in the two years previous that I believed things would turn out good; I believed that He had my future and I didn’t have to worry.
I still worried. I found it very easy to worry.
But the biggest growth for me, in the past couple of months, has simply been cementing this trust in God that I haven’t had before. I can now honestly declare that I trust Him, that I know He works everything for good, that His hand is in all.
I’ve stopped worrying. Or, when I do, I actually go to Him with those concerns right away.
To other people, it may look like I have no direction. Sure, I have wants and future plans, but no immediate plans. I put time and effort into a blog that costs money and doesn’t give me any. What people don’t know is what my blog has opened in me is far more valuable. What I have learnt and experienced by writing and letting my writing be read is greater than you guys getting a stupid pop-up ad. I put time and effort into a novel I’m writing even though it’s possible nothing will ever come from it.
It does so much for me, the rest doesn’t matter. If you love something, the reward isn’t what other people view as success. The reward is doing it, being proud of yourself for doing it, realising you can do it. Stretching, growing, improving, learning, experiencing. Giving something a try, becoming more confident in what you’re doing, simply becoming.
Success isn’t what the world thinks success is, and that’s what I’ve learnt.
I don’t mind if people think I’m wasting my time, because I know I’m not. God reminds me often that I’m not. I fully believe I’m where I’m meant to be, and when that changes God will let me know. Sure, I’m chasing possible doors, but when they don’t work out it doesn’t crush me.
If you remember, at the beginning of March I posted this list about my March plans.
I’ve actually reached my short-term goals, the goals that don’t look like much if you think I need to have my whole life figured out right now.
I’ve been intentionally reading a Christian book, and I’m learning a lot, enjoying it a lot.
I’ve got over 40,000 words of my novel, and I’m learning a lot, enjoying it a lot.
I’ve been practicing bar (barre? Not this problem again) chords, and I’m learning a lot, enjoying it a lot.
My sunflowers are blooming! Yellow petals are following the sun and if that’s not a metaphor for life then I don’t know what is.
Things are happening and I am becoming more, simply more, and I don’t have an income and volunteering is on my radar more than a job is and I don’t mind. Because for now, that’s the season God has me in and He has done more in me in the past couple of months because I have not had a job.
If I had a job the minute I moved back home in December, I would not have grown in faith as I have. My faith has never been firmer, steadier. Just the other night I was praying out loud and I said with so much certainty that God is my rock. I’ve never said that before! And now it’s something that is rooted in my heart.
Success isn’t what the world thinks it is.
I am not failing life right now, I am finding it in ways I never have before.
I’ve found a church, finally, I think. It feels right, at least, for now. I don’t any of the songs that we sing in worship. I don’t know any of the people.
And yet, God is speaking. He uses the lyrics that I can’t sing along with. Instead of getting caught in the music itself I am forced to look at the words and what they mean. Instead of getting caught in laughing with my friends, I am forced to remember that Jesus is sitting with me. When I walked into that church for the first time by myself, the only reason I could put one foot in front of the other was because Jesus was walking with me.
I can’t reiterate this enough: I have never known God as I do right now.
I never used to cry reading the Bible, but now I do because it’s real. His love in all those people is real. His love in sending His son to die on a cross is real. His love for me is real.
If my life looked perfect to the world, I wouldn’t know that. Sure, I’d be in relationship with God. But I’d be thanking him for a job without thanking Him for being with me. I’d be thanking Him for friends without thanking Him for being one, because they wouldn’t be truths I had experienced for myself.
I have a social life now. Outside of church. And I can appreciate it deeper because I know what it’s like to feel alone. I know what it’s like to be relying on God as your only comfort because nothing else is even available. So now, despite having friends, Jesus remains to be my truest friend, my deepest friend. (I would say best friend but that sounds a bit cheesy. I guess it’s true, but still.)
I’m not saying my relationship with God is perfect, or as deep as it could go. Certainly not. I hope not. There is always more to understand, there is always more for God to show us, always more that He wants to heal in us, cleanse us of. There is always simply more. But to reach new depths is always reason to praise God. To acknowledge what He’s doing, how patient and gentle He is with us. How he continues to love us despite, well, everything.
My sunflowers are yellow now. They’re finally nearly ready.
One of them is still curled up, though you can see the golden petals waiting for the right time. The other sunflower is half out; half of the petals are standing straight, watching the sun, while the other half is still closed up on itself.
I’ve just finished drinking a cup of ‘chocolate treasure’ tea, which is black tea mixed with cocoa kernels. I enjoy blogging and drinking tea. Blogging isn’t a rushed process, but a relaxing and enjoyable time to write what I want to write.
One of my candles reached its end the other day. It felt like a bizarre milestone, to reach the end of the wick and to have no wax left to burn. It felt nice, for some reason.
Small things, big things. Achieving, failing. It’s what life is right now, and will always continue to be, just not in how you always expect or want. But that doesn’t make it bad or wrong.
I’m going to stop writing now. I’ve reached my third page, which I think is a new record for my blog. Although, I would like to touch base about the title I chose, just for a moment.
I think that the world can honestly feel like it’s ending. Everything can genuinely feel like it’s falling apart without a way of coming back together again.
But in my experience, the world starts again. It keeps turning. Life goes on whether or not you’re prepared for it to do so, whether or not it feels like it should. You know the sun will rise in the morning and you know the moon will make itself known at night.
I can fall asleep at night feeling like nothing will work out, but when I wake up life is moving forward and so am I.