I really specifically remember one time when I realised I wasn’t a kid anymore. Or, on the way to adulthood as a teenager.
I was sitting with my friends as an eighteen year old, still in high school but with only a few months left, and my group of friends started talking about pores.
They were talking about all the things they used on their skin and those strips that you put on your nose to pull out blackheads.
Pores weren’t really on my radar, to be honest. I remember sitting there looking around at their animated faces wondering when we stopped talking about water balloons and giant cookies. Why the sudden talk of things grown women discuss? Next minute, and we’d be talking about plucking our chin hair. (Which has since happened. Like hello, I’m only 20. Let me live in bliss!)
Now, as a new year quickly approaches, I have never felt so much an adult. Seriously, I should be getting a pension any day now, or at least getting married. Right? Hmm okay, maybe not.
But my point remains! I’m currently at my nannas house for a few days, and I’m sharing the back room with my sister. I’m sleeping on a trundle bed, close to the ground, and it’s where I slept throughout my younger years as a grandchild. In some ways it feels wrong to be back, but I suppose it isn’t.
I’m an adult and I have no idea what I’m doing. I thought that by the time I reached 20 I’d have my whole life sorted.
Let’s just say, I’m not close to that. But now I’m thinking, does anyone ever, no matter their age? Or is it always going to be the case of doing the next thing, the next step, and having the future be unknown? You have stages of permanence, like owning a house, but it’s all temporary. And people in their fifties can still struggle with what they want to ‘do’, don’t they? Changing careers, feeling stuck. Isn’t that why people have midlife crisis’? Because life is at a standstill and they don’t know what’s up anymore?
Ugh. I wonder how long I’ll feel like this for. Clueless, I mean, and drifting. I am adrift. And it feels like with a lot of things I’ll just be a square peg in a round hole.
Well. It isn’t even January yet, So I guess I can chill out a little.
Oh, and I didn’t blog yesterday because I’m at my nannas house and internet and reception were poor. I can only blog now because I’m in the car and I finally (finally) have full bars of reception.