After having a pretty low year, I had the best weekend. And I was actually happy. I don’t want this blog to be purely feelings, but I feel like I’m owed at least one blog post of 365 where I can talk about my feelings.
And that’s today, campers!
I’m happy, and I’m holding onto this so much because of the lows that this year has held. I feel like I’ve been refined through the fire, and I have no idea if the refinement thing worked, but hey, at least I can say I’ve walked through fire. (Cue: “This Girl is on Fire”.)
Happiness now holds a fullness that I haven’t felt before, and it feels beautiful because it’s real and it means something.
I was singing in the car today, and everything was happy. It was like I could reach out and taste the happy. (Happy probably tastes like fried eggs on buttery sourdough bread, but that’s going a bit off track, isn’t it? Who cares though, eggs are the best and deserve attention and this is my blog so hah.)
Through trials, we get closer to God because there’s nowhere else to run and there’s a point where nothing else fills the emptiness, or maybe we just see the temporariness in everything for the first time. We’re empty and nothing helps and only God can truly comfort us, so we seek Him out and we pray that we find Him and then we discover that He’s been there all along. I appreciate trials. Sometimes. Because it’s where I meet God in the deepest most fulfilling way. Sometimes. But the sometimes is worth it. Because one day that sometimes will become always.
When I write poems, it’s easier to write them when I’m sad. How do you even write a happy song? I have no idea. My songs are all angsty. Why is it so easy to write about sad things but hard to tell someone about them? Why is it hard to write about happy things but easy to talk about them? Why do we say we’re “good” instead of “happy”? Is it because we can be good without feeling anything good? Is that how it should be?
I’m not good at blogging when I’m sad, because I don’t want to push my feelings onto my readers (or people I know in real life, but that’s another issue) (actually, let’s face it, all my readers are people I know in real life) (but I digress). Blogging when I’m sad feels like scratching nails on a chalkboard, because I don’t want to just sound like I’m complaining or attention seeking and everything I write just feels forced, but I also want to be real with the fact that life has tough times and writing can be really really really really really really really really really really really difficult when all you want to do is drink tea whilst wrapped in a blanket. And eat fried eggs. Maybe on an English muffin.
Writing songs when I’m sad and knowing that no one will read them is easy. Because no one will read them. Blogging when I’m sad and knowing that people will read them is hard. Because people will read them. And people I know will read them.
So right now I’m writing when I’m happy but I’m writing about being sad because I think being sad is a good topic to discuss at some point, just so you all know I’m not some disturbingly-happy-person who just cleans their room and eats eggs all day. I have a life! That has ups and downs! I just suck at talking about my feelings because I hate being a burden!
Holy Moly, when did I become so share-y?
So I’m happy. And this is a recent addition to my life, an updated status, a new-found intangible. I’ve started serenading people again, and this is a healthy sign of happy. Actually, I did that anyway. But it is now with new vigour!
(Flowers make me happy)
So I was sad, for a good chunk of the year. Not even necessarily sad actually, just in-the-middle. Just neutral all the time. I lived with indifference about most aspects of life, and things were very bland. I sang in the car out of habit not out of happiness-that-probably-tastes-like-fried-eggs-on-buttery-sour-dough-bread. I acted poorly towards people I felt deserved it, and this is not good (though maybe a little fun) (now I feel mean. Not fun. Acting poorly was not fun.)
But just because I was indifferent, doesn’t mean there weren’t good times. There were lots of good times. I stepped in satisfying sand, I had chocolate waffles for dinner, I danced weirdly on many occasions, got closer to some people, visited family, discovered new music, read some books, cooked some eggs, lead worship, got better at guitar, made some collages, held a toasty heat pack. The list goes on. Because this year has seen some amazing times of laughter and honesty and I’ve just become closer to some people and I love these people and God has met me in every trial.
God has been a constant. I wouldn’t trade in any of the hard times, because it’s in the hard times that I found God in deeper ways. It’s been in the hard times that I’ve read the Bible more than ever, that I’ve seen God come to life more than ever, that I’ve felt truth in my heart more than ever. It’s been in the hard times that love has proved Himself, sometimes with the smallest of notions.
This blog post has turned so long, and it feels so final. This feels like the very last episode of a TV show, where you just see old footage in a montage as the characters reminisce about the good times they had. This blog post feels like a goodbye.
But it’s not! I’ve still got until early January. And I plan on keeping this up, campers.
Well, I think I’ve said enough for the night. I don’t know if I’ve ended up saying much at all, because I don’t know how much of this was ramble or legit or maybe it was all just legit ramble because that’s kind of what blogs are anyway, aren’t they? Managing to write 500 words about a one-sentence topic? Hmm.
Anyway. So maybe this blog post hasn’t cleared anything up about the whole sadness-real-life-I’m-a-normal-person-thing, but I think that’s okay because there are plenty more days for real-talk, and this is a start.
In yo’ face!
P.S. I don’t know why I said “in yo’ face”, it just seemed so fitting because I feel on a roll and it just came out and I don’t want to delete it now.