You know when you’re not happy and you’re not sad, you’re just kind of curious and open and ready, though you’re not sure what you’re ready for? That’s me right now.
I’m in this weird place of willing to be open (please see; this and this and this.) but kind of unsure of what that looks like. It’s like I’m ready and my spirit is ready and everything in me is yelling and trying to get out but there’s also this uncertainty because how do you go about such things?
I think it’s more than just being ready, though.
It’s that moment when you’re on a roller coaster and you know you’re about to drop after climbing up this massively long steep hill. You know something’s coming and you know what the sensation will be and you’re expecting it but when it happens it’s still surprising and the sensation is everything you thought but so much more because nothing is the same as actually living through something in the present. (It’s like smelling the beach in a memory. You know what it is but until you’re physically there, breathing in the salty air, there’s something lacking. Something you can’t quite put your finger on.)
That’s what it feels like right now. The moment before you speed down a roller coaster. The moment before a flower blooms. The moment you hand in your final exam. You know what it’ll be like and you can go through the motions, but it’s the actual moment that changes everything.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. So I’m going to stop reaching for the words I don’t have and I’m going to highly recommend listening to the song below.