I don’t find it particularly difficult in being open and vulnerable with people, I just don’t choose to be. I never liked people who fought for attention, so I prefer if people prompt me to be open, because I don’t want to say things for attention or to get people’s sympathy.
I’ve been thinking about how much of this is something that should change, so I’ve been praying for opportunities to be open if that’s what God wants me to do. And I figure that if I pray about it, I won’t open up to the wrong people.
The most probable thing in my life right now is that I’ll be moving back home at the end of the year. Because of this most probable thing, there’s a part of me that’s scared to be open with people because I’ll be leaving so soon, and the more you get attached to people the more it hurts when you say goodbye. But I also don’t want to waste this time by closing up and not sharing anything.
This morning I was open with some people, and it made my day better. I never really noticed this before, but here it is: if I keep everything inside I have bad days. But as soon as I share things, my day is brighter. I think it’s because I’m not carrying this burden on my own. I’ve told people and they know and there’s nothing to hide and there’s just something really reassuring when people know stuff about you. Good and bad. I love it when people know my dirt (the right people, that is) because it means I have less to hide, it means I have less to fake, it means I have less masks to wear.
The past few months I’ve been on autopilot, breathing a sigh of relief at the end of the each day just for making it through the day. But this morning I was open with people, and it was one of the few actually good days I’ve had in a while. I think I had less of a burden so I felt free to carry on without overthinking the crap inside my mind.
(Can you believe I said the word crap on my blog? Oh look, and again. Crap crap crap crap.)
Anyway. Be open with the right people (this is very important, for not everyone will care for your heart and respect what you’re going through) and feel lighter. I’m learning to do it, too.
P.S. I wore a sunflower jumper today and I think it added to the goodness of my day. Also compliments woowoo.
P.P.S. Song of the moment is “40 Day Dream”, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.